“Creeping, Weeping, and Wallpaper”
The show begins with the standard episode opener.
Scene: It is early morning and Marge has finally managed to get Bart and Lisa on the bus to go to school. After the school bus leaves, Homer staggers up to the door, wearing a destroyed tuxedo and a feathered wig.
Marge: Homer! How could you stay out all night? Do you know it’s Monday morning? It’s Monday morning. You need to be at work!
Homer: Huh? *Slew of unintelligible words* (Singsong voice) Marge, there is nothing to worry about, Mr. Burns gave us the day off for Lenny’s bachelor party last night.
Marge: (Shocked) Since when is Lenny getting married?
Homer: (Matter-of-fact) He’s not. We were bored so we threw him a bachelor party.
Marge is silently dumbfounded for a moment.
Marge: Homer! You need to go to work immediately!
Scene: With prodding, Homer manages to get ready and drives off to work.
Scene changes to later in the day: Marge and Maggie are at Abu’s convenience store. Marge is grocery shopping with Maggie in the cart seat, who begins wailing furiously.
Marge: (Cooing) Oh! Maggie please stop crying!
Scene: Marge attempts to pick up Maggie while also holding several grocery items, resulting in some humorous juggling until she tips backward, knocking over a large display of pickled eggs that come crashing to the floor. Baby Maggie miraculously lands on a neighboring display of marshmallows, unscathed and giggling. Marge sits on the floor covered in pickle juice with a furious expression and lets out a disapproving “ger” sound.
Scene changes: Marge and Maggie are pulling into the driveway after their disastrous shopping trip. They enter the house to find Bart and Lisa engaged in an intense game of Cowboys vs. Indians. So intense that it has evolved to using kitchen knives and a cross bow and most of the furniture is slashed open and arrows are sticking out of the walls.
Marge: (Screams) Stop everything! Drop everything! Look what you have done to the house, do you know how dangerous this is?
Lisa obliges, and after a second so does Bart.
Marge: Where did you even get a cross bow?
Homer enters the room.
Homer: (Brightly) It was a party favor!
Bart: Homer said we need to learn how to use them so we can invade other people’s planets. Like in Avatar.
The family goes silent as they stare at Marge in anticipation.
Marge turns around and slowly walks up the stairs. She goes in her room and the sound of her crying can be heard from outside the door. Homer and the children look around at each other worriedly.
Bart: Hey Homer, I think you’ve finally pushed her over the edge.
Lisa: Bart might have a point Dad, there is only so much stress one woman can take.
Homer: (Anxiously) Oooo, Lisa! You’re the smartest one of us all! What should I do?
Lisa: Well why don’t you take her to see someone? In times of stress a reliable, responsible therapist can really help assuage a harassed person.
Scene changes: Marge and Homer are in the waiting room at Dr. Nick Rivera’s office, which is currently located in the basement of a disco bar. Marge shifts uncomfortably in her seat. Homer taps his foot along with the music coming from upstairs.
Marge: Homie, I don’t know about this, why don’t we go to Dr. Hibbard?
Homer: Nonsense! Dr. Nick gave me a triple bypass, remember?
Marge makes a “ger” sound while her name is called by the receptionist. As Marge walks into the office Homer adds:
Homer: Plus, I might have gotten fired for faking Lenny’s wedding to get a week off of work.
Inside the office, Dr. Nick makes a great show of putting on a pair of gardening gloves he has mistaken for medical gloves.
Dr. Nick: Sooo, what seems to be the problem Mrs. Simpson?
Marge: Well, I’ve been –
Homer: (Blurts) She’s all tensed up and she’s just been crying at the drop of a hat!
Marge: No! I –
Dr. Nick: Oh I got it! Marge, you should know these symptoms! You’re probably just pregnant.
Marge: (Angrily) No, I am not pregnant.
Dr. Nick: (Obviously flustered) Ah, well, just let me take a look in one of my medical books from the library- I mean Medical School.
Dr. Nick gropes around in an old orange crate and chooses a book that only viewers can see is labeled “Incredibly Outdated Medical Diagnosis”, and flips around aimlessly in it for a bit, before settling on an article.
Dr. Nick: Here we are! It is the female hysteria is what you have! Not to worry, it’s very common in females. The best treatment is for you to rest, rest, and rest. And eat, eat, and eat. And you probably shouldn’t really see any of your family or do anything exciting. That would interfere with your treat-o-ment. And you want to get better, don’t you?
Homer: Thank you Doctor!
In excitement to follow the doctor’s orders, Homer grabs Marge and they rush off into the next scene, which takes place at their house.
Homer: Marge, I have an excellent plan! For after the “wedding”, Lenny’s parents bought him and his new “wife” a house in the country! Since that was a sham, nobody is currently using it! Why don’t you stay there while you are trying to get better?
Marge: (Considering) Hmm, that sounds like it might be nice for a few days…
Homer: Excellent! Pack enough clothes for a month.
Scene changes: Homer and Marge are up at the country home looking around and getting her settled in. They choose the largest room to be hers, but it has startling ugly yellow wallpaper.
Marge: Homer, I don’t know about this room. This wallpaper is so dated. And there are bars on the windows!
Homer doesn’t hear because he is busy jumping from the bed and swinging on the several hooks in the wall.
Marge: (Yelling) Alright Homer! It’s time for you to go. Doctor’s orders.
Homer: Alright honey, I’ll be back in a few days to check on you, remember all you are supposed to do is rest! And don’t worry about the kids, Grandpa and I have it covered.
-Scene briefly cuts to Grandpa sleeping on the couch while Bart runs a poker game with the neighborhood kids in the kitchen. They are gambling with things like pet hamsters and Krusty the Klown merchandise-
The scene changes back to Marge, right after Homer leaves. She slowly sits down on the bed, while curiously looking at the wallpaper. ‘What an odd pattern’ she thinks to herself.
Scene changes: It is the next day and Marge has woken up, and is about to go get some breakfast, when she notices something move out of the corner of her eye. She stops and looks around the room.
Marge: (Tentatively) Hello?
‘I wonder what that could have been’, she thinks to herself. ‘It did seem as though it came from the wallpaper’. Marge stares at the wallpaper. ‘Why look at that, I don’t know how I didn’t see it last night, but the patterns do look like faces! They have bug eyes though.’ Marge continues staring at the wallpaper for a long time.
Scene changes: Its a few days later and Homer comes to visit. Marge’s condition has visibly degenerated. Her normally tall hair is hanging down in parts, and she has bags under her eyes.
Homer: (Yelping) Yikes! (Gently) Marge, honey? How have you been?
Marge: (Brightly) Fine, Homer. It’s wonderful to see you, how are the children?
Homer begins to speak but the show follows as Marge reverts into her own thoughts. ‘I mustn’t worry Homer about the wallpaper… or else I won’t be able to discover what is truly behind it! No, the best thing is for me to stay here a little while longer… after a few more days I should be able to figure it out, and then I can finally be rid of it.’ The show tunes back into Homer:
Homer: -but we basically got most of Grandpa’s teeth out of the blender. What have you been up to here? Have you been getting lots of rest?
Marge: (Hesitantly) Oh, yes, I’ve mainly been resting and sleeping.
The two go quiet and Homer looks at Marge worriedly.
Homer: When do you think you want to come back? Do you want to go visit the kids?
Marge: Not today, I think in a few days I will be in tip top shape to come home, Homie. Right now I think I will just go upstairs and have a lie down.
Homer: Oh, okay. We miss you.
Marge goes upstairs and Homer leaves her to rest. But she does not sleep.
‘I feel like the paper is sucking me in, trying to tell me something. The faces keep nodding at me, trying to keep me here.’ Marge walks up to be closer to the wall, she puts her hands on it. She follows the pattern around the room, and doesn’t mind when the yellow stains her hands. Suddenly she spots a groove in the wall around the floor that she didn’t notice before. ‘It’s like the wallpaper is inviting me in’, she thinks, and proceeds to lie down, and fit her shoulder into the groove and creep around the room.
Scene changes: Homer and the kids are back at the family home.
Lisa: Why hasn’t Mom come back yet? She has been gone for an awfully long time.
Homer: Well little Lisa, your Mommy has a serious illness, and she needs some time off in order to get herself together.
Lisa: (Skeptical) Dad, what kind of illness does she have?
Homer: (Confident then confused) It’s a very scientific problem known as female hyst- hystio?
Lisa: (Shocked and outraged) Female hysteria?! Dad, that was disproven forever ago! We need to go get her, the treatment she is receiving cannot help her at all.
Homer: (Alarmed) Disproven! I’ll show them disproven!
Runs out the door with the kids in tow.
Scene changes: Homer and the kids are outside the locked door of Marge’s bedroom. Homer knocks.
Homer: Marge? Sweetie? Will you let us in? The kids are here.
Marge: No! The wallpaper only wants me!
Homer: (Confused) Wallpaper? Marge, let us in or you know I will break down the door!
Marge thinks ‘It would be awful to break down that pretty door, I shall tell him where I hid the key’.
Marge: The key is outside, Homer! I threw it under a plantain leaf!
Homer: (Infuriated) I don’t know what a plantain is!
Homer and the kids barge through the door to find Marge on the floor creeping around the room.
Lisa: Mom! What is it? What do you need?
Marge: I just need to be with my paper! We are one now!
Bart: Oh, no way. Hey Lisa! Start ripping it down!
Bart, Lisa, and Homer begin furiously ripping the paper from the wall. With each ripped part Marge acts pained, but then slowly separates herself from the wall until she is lying in the middle of the room. After they are done, the rest of the family joins her. They are silent and anxious for a little while.
Bart: Wow Mom, that was really *%$# weird.
Marge: Bart! You need to watch your language around ladies!
Music plays and credits role.